How to have an open, supportive conversation without making you both feel uncomfortable

We get it. Your kids are growing up, and suddenly you’re faced with tough topics like puberty, sex, relationships and pregnancy. Talking to your kids about their sexual health can feel uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be! 

First off, drop your expectations at the door. If things feel awkward or uncomfortable, it’s okay to acknowledge that! Demonstrating honesty and vulnerability creates a safe space for your teen or tween to do the same.

Starting as early as possible, look to everyday situations as teachable moments: a family member announces they’re pregnant, you see an advertisement for pads or tampons, or you watch a movie that depicts 2SLGBTQIA+ relationships.

Ask your young person open-ended questions, use proper terminology, try not to jump to conclusions, and practice strategies to keep yourself calm. Demonstrate respect for your child by listening to understand, not listening to respond.

Evidence-based information to help you with sexual health conversations

There are many excellent resources available to help you talk to a young person about their sexual health. To prepare yourself ahead of time, consider thinking about how your own past experiences may affect the ways in which you approach conversations about sexual health. What were you taught about sexual health growing up? How did you feel about it? What do you wish you knew more about? Who felt safe to talk to, and why?

Reflecting on how your understanding of sexual health developed can help you bring awareness to any biases or gaps in knowledge.

Evidence-based information to help you with sexual health conversations:

Age-appropriate information you can share with your teen

It’s important to begin nurturing a child’s positive body image from a young age. Using appropriate terminology such as “vulva” and “scrotum” instead of nicknames helps to dispel societal shame around sexual and reproductive health.

As children grow, parents should continue to expand on topics relevant to their age, keeping in mind how much detail they are able to process.

  • By age 8, children should understand consent, and be aware of hygiene and self-care in puberty, as many will experience some pubertal development before age 10
  • Pre-teens should develop an understanding of internet safety, what makes a relationship healthy, unhealthy or abusive, and basic information about pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
  • Teens (13-18 years) should be aware of safer sex practices including how and when to access contraception, ways to protect themselves from STIs, and why using alcohol and drugs can impact judgment and safety. Within the Interior region, reports show that fewer teens are engaging in sexual activity compared to previous years. However, by Grade 12, 49 per cent of students reported having engaged in sexual intercourse.

Conversation resources:

How to discuss consent

Modelling consent can start at a very early age. Teaching children to respect “no” messages is vital. If a family member or friend is tickling your child and your child says “stop,” even while laughing, use this as a teachable moment to explain why their words are important, regardless of the . Observe your child’s body language – if your child seems uncomfortable hugging aunts, uncles, grandparents, or other family members, teach them that it’s okay to say “no”, and encourage family members not to take it personally. Helping young children to recognize when their body says “no” can help keep them safer in the future.

Children should understand that their body belongs to them, and that no one is allowed to touch it or look at it without their permission. Youth should understand that consent is an ongoing, freely given, and enthusiastic agreement to do something.

Consent cannot be presumed through silence and can be withdrawn at any time. In this digital age, youth must understand that sexting also requires consent, and that any sharing of private messages or photos may be against the law.

Consent resources:

How to discuss contraception

Discussions about contraception, its purpose, and when it might be used should start by age 12. If your teen is sexually active, or you suspect they might be, discussing dual protection (i.e., using condoms plus another method) is recommended, as this can help prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Understanding the various types of birth control and how they work will help parents relay this knowledge more effectively, and help teens make their own decisions about what will work best for them.

Contraception resources:

How to discuss sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

Sexually active people of any age are at risk of being infected with a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Close to 75 per cent of sexually active Canadians will acquire at least one human papillomavirus (HPV) infection in their lifetime, and as many as one in seven Canadians may be infected with herpes simplex virus (HSV2), which causes genital herpes.

The most common STIs among youth in Canada are chlamydia and gonorrhea, which often show no symptoms. Understanding risk and having accurate information can help young people make informed decisions, but the stigma and shame associated with STIs remains pervasive in many communities and can make talking about it difficult.

Sexually active teens should understand the importance of dual protection (i.e., using condoms plus another method), be aware of which sexual activities are more or less likely to pass an infection, and know where and when to access testing.

STI resources:

Interior Health is pleased to offer On Demand STI Testing in many of our local communities, a quick and easy way to check for sexually transmitted infections.

Don’t know where to get tested in your area? Check out SmartSex Resource's Clinic Finder.

How to address misinformation your teen might encounter

Developing digital and media literacy requires conscious effort, and misinformation and disinformation is everywhere. Helping young people identify credible resources when researching online can give them the confidence to discern between helpful and harmful information.

Examining a resource’s purpose, who created it and why, may give context if it can be used as a reliable learning tool. Suggest focusing on evidence-based resources created in British Columbia or Canada, such as SmartSex Resource and Sex & U so that the content aligns with what your teen is likely to learn or experience.

Digital literacy resources:

 

 

How to tailor conversations about sexual health to suit youth with differing abilities

The information that youth with different abilities needs is the same as any other person but sometimes needs to be tailored to their unique needs. Armed with knowledge, people with disabilities and differing abilities can have fulfilling, safe and satisfying sex lives.

Reports show that youth with developmental disabilities are more than twice as likely to suffer sexual abuse than their peers (Centre for Sexuality), which is why it’s crucial to adapt your communication strategies to suit your child’s differing abilities.

Be proactive in teaching sexual health: keep information simple, review it often, use drawings to illustrate your point, practise setting boundaries and saying “no,” and connect with your child’s primary care provider to discuss different medical needs.

 

How to support your teen’s sexual identity and relationships

As a parent, one of your child’s biggest influences is you! Lead by example and demonstrate how to treat others with respect, manage anger, and navigate challenges with clear and assertive communication. Understanding your own values, and the values unique to your child, can help with setting boundaries and recognizing unhealthy relationships traits.

When parents can model healthy relationship behaviours, teens are less likely to be involved in relationships that could be considered abusive. Take action and have open conversations with your teen if you notice any sudden changes such as losing interest in activities that they used to enjoy, unexplained injuries, or avoiding friends or family members.

2SLGBTQIA+ youth are more likely to feel unsafe at school and are more often the victims of physical and verbal harassment, as well as cyber-bullying (Egale Canada). It’s crucial to let your teen know that they are loved unconditionally and accepted for who they are.

Learn more about what non-binary means and how to support your children with identifying sexual orientations

Safe sex definitions:

It’s also important to understand the differences between sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation:

  • A person’s sex is assigned at birth, based on examination of a newborn’s genitals, and can be categorized as male, female, or intersex.
  • Gender identity is a person’s internal sense of identity, regardless of their sex assigned at birth, and can be categorized in many ways. Cisgender, man, woman, gender fluid, agender, non-binary, transgender, gender queer and Two-Spirit are only some of the terms you may hear.
  • Gender expression is how a person presents their gender to the world, and may influence how they look, the name and pronouns they use, and their social behaviour.
  • Sexual orientation refers to a person’s emotional, physical, and sexual attraction to others. It can change over a person’s lifetime, and is commonly categorized as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual or asexual.

It’s okay if you don’t know what all these terms mean! Search words and phrases on the PFLAG National Glossary

What to do if you suspect your teen is already sexually active

Exploring sexual activity is a common part of many teens' journeys into sexual maturation, but it can bring uncomfortable feelings for parents and guardians.

  • First, check in with yourself. Before jumping to confront teens about their sexual activity, reflect on the underlying feelings you have about it. What are you most concerned about? Are you worried about the possibility of pregnancy? Sexually transmitted infections? Your teen’s capacity to make safe decisions?  Consider how your beliefs, fears and assumptions could affect the way you connect with your teen.
  • Next, set the stage. Talk with your teen in a private and comfortable space, minimize distractions, and choose a time when you’re both feeling calm.
  • When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, use “I” statements to talk about your objective observations: “I noticed that...”, “I saw that...”, “I heard you say...”. Next, communicate your feelings: “I’m worried about...”, “I’m curious if...”. Listen to understand, be curious, and ask open-ended questions. Show respect to your teen by keeping an open mind and listening to their point of view.

Sexually active teens should understand the principles of consent, what makes healthy relationships, how to prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and the importance of dual protection (i.e., condoms plus another method) for the prevention of STIs and pregnancy. Teens should also be able to identify trustworthy adults they can go to for help, and where they can access testing for STIs in their community.

Confidential counselling options for pre-teens and teens

Teens may want to speak with a counsellor for help with navigating issues in life such as anxiety, stress, grief or certain mental health conditions. If your teen is younger than 18, counsellors are trained to protect their privacy unless there are concerns of self-harm, harm to others, or disclosures of abuse.

Counselling resources
  • Young people aged 12-24 and their caregivers living anywhere across B.C. can access services such as virtual counselling and peer support groups at Foundry BC centres. Download the Foundry BC app or call 1-833-308-6379 to connect with a Foundry team member.
  • Youth can text CONNECT to 686868 to speak with a volunteer crisis responder with Kid’s Help Phone. Kids Help Phone texting service is free and available in English and French across Canada. Conversations with a volunteer crisis responder are confidential, and services are available 24/7.
  • Indigenous youth can text First Nations, Metis or Inuit to 686868 to connect with an Indigenous crisis responder when available.
  • Here2Talk connects students registered in a BC post-secondary institution with mental health support, free, confidential counselling, and community referral services. Call toll-free by dialing 1-877-857-3397, or access services on the web, or https://here2talk.ca/h2t-about.

If your child is in immediate danger of suicide or self-harm, a mental health crisis, or a substance use crisis, don’t wait. Get help right away by calling 911 or visiting your local hospital emergency department.

  • Youth can call or text 988 if they’re having suicidal thoughts. Available 24/7.
  • Call 310-6789 (no area code needed) to access BC Mental Health & Crisis Response. Available 24/7.
  • Indigenous youth can call KUU-US Aboriginal Crisis Line at 1-800-588-8717

For a complete list of resources, visit Child and Youth Mental Health - Resources and Supports.

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